Friday 15 September 2017

A Policy A Day: [REDACTED]

In the lead-up to the election, we are examining a policy a day. We're exploring a variety of policy areas, explaining the background and analysing some of the policy options, with a mixture of technocracy and values-based approaches. Inevitably, some opinion will make its way in and we make no apology for that - after all, we're voters too. A list of all the articles is available hereEnjoy!

Today's satire post is by Liv McKenzie

This has been the most interesting six months in New Zealand politics potentially ever. However, more insane stuff happens daily in the Trump administration. This has inspired all political parties in NZ to go with a “[REDACTED] It” Policy because no matter what happens in NZ politics in the lead up to this election, it can’t be more bat[REDACTED] than a 3am Trump tweet, so who gives a [REDACTED] at this point right?

TVNZ has bestowed the honour of moderating their debates on Mike Hosking, a man whose head could not be further up National’s ass if he was wearing Bill English as a beanie. But of course, they picked someone who will sing National’s praises until the cows come home, as TVNZ is a NATIONAL-LED GOVERNMENT OWNED MEDIA CORPORATION. That level of media bias has never been seen before, apart from when Trump appointed an alt-right media darling/Indiana Jones villain as his right hand man, and when he screamed “FAKE NEWS” at any media outlet who dared publish negative pieces on him. Also, all the times he only retweeted positive news stories about himself to his millions of followers. Or that one time when Fox News host Tucker Carlson, whose dedication to Trump makes Mike Hosking look like a Green voter, said that Trump staring into the sun during the eclipse (BECAUSE HE’S A [REDACTED] CHILD WITH NO IMPULSE CONTROL) was “perhaps the most impressive thing any president has ever done”.

Metiria Turei admitted to committing welfare and voter fraud by registering to vote at the wrong address, which isn’t greaaaaaaaat/mildly illegal and had to step down as leader of the Green Party. Not to be outdone, Trump made so many baseless claims of voter fraud that one of his supporters is now in prison after voting for him twice because she was scared that it was what the left/illegal immigrants/brown people were doing and felt the need to counter that effect.

Gareth Morgan has come the closest in crazy to Trump, because he wants to ban cats, I think? That’s like TOP’s whole platform, right? I don’t know why he hates cats so much, is he allergic? Did cats kill his best friend in front of him as a child? Like Macaulay Culkin and bees in My Girl. I wonder what he’s up to now? I think about that every day. Ugh I forgot Trump was in Home Alone 2, and now I can’t watch that movie anymore, he ruINS EVERYTHING.

Winston Peters has had a mild scandal after it was leaked that he had been overpaid his superannuation (because he “forgot” to say he had a de facto partner, because who hasn’t forgotten another human being’s existence in their life), which he doesn’t need to be taking anyway on top of a $195,000 yearly salary funded entirely by taxpayers’ money. But like any good [REDACTED], Winston has managed to turn his morally dubious behaviour back onto someone else, blaming the National party for leaking the story. You know who leaked the story to National? Hillary’s emails.

Andrew Little just straight up peaced out from the Labour Party leadership and Jacinda Ardern took over, which led to Labour beating National in the polls for the first time in 12 years. Having your leader quit less than two months out from the election should really put a dent in your polling numbers, but Trump advocated for grabbing pussies left, right, and [REDACTED] centre, and STILL WON! HE WON! THAT’S COOL, THANKS MY FELLOW WHITE PEOPLE VOTING FOR HIS RACIST, SEXIST, XENOPHOBIC [REDACTED] JUST COZ YOU WEREN’T AFFECTED BY HIS BULL[REDACTED], YOU [REDACTED] TURDS GOOD FOR YOU.

So, I guess anything is possible. Who needs actual policies when all you have to do is not be Trump?
In summary, please get educated on which party’s policies align best with your values and VOTE! The people who didn’t vote in America because they couldn’t be bothered or couldn’t make a decision are just as responsible as his supporters for the [REDACTED]show that is the Trump administration. Please vote for the [REDACTED] party who you think is [REDACTED] best for the whole [REDACTED] country, and [REDACTED] encourage your friends and family to do the [REDACTED] same.

I need a nap.

Liv McKenzie is a Christchurch comedian who used to live in New York, but don't worry, she brings it up every 10 seconds so you won't forget. 
BEST NEWCOMER - 2016 Christchurch Comedy Awards
BEST FEMALE PERFORMER - 2017 GoMedia Comedy Carnival Awards

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